Are you responsible for all house-related chores or does your husband help out as well? Do you feel guilty if you’re not on top of things around the house?
I am definitely not responsible for all house-related chores. Corey and I are both of the belief that my job is taking care of our kids, aside from that he has zero expectations as to what else gets done while he’s at work. Having said that, I of course try to keep the house tidy and at least have it as clean as it was when he left in the morning and my goal is always to have dinner at least started if not nearly done by the time he gets home, but like I said, that’s all “extra” in both his mind and mine. And honestly, the fact that he doesn’t put the weight of those chores/responsibilities on my shoulders makes me want to do them even more!
I most definitely do more housework than Corey because I’m the one who is home and can do it more easily, and when he gets home from work he takes over the kids while I finish cooking dinner, then clean up the kitchen, etc. But that being said, Corey absolutely helps around the house whenever he can, like on the weekends.
As far as feeling guilty if I’m not on top of things around the house, no, not at all. We have the luxury of knowing what our lives were like when we were both working. We were basically just trying to survive Monday-Friday, doing only the bare minimum around the house then using weekends to catch up on chores, go grocery shopping, etc. Now with me home I have alleviated a huge amount of that work and stress as a lot of things we could only do on the weekends before I can get done during the week (like grocery shopping or doing loads of laundry). I’m not going to sugar coat it – Corey’s working life got a heck of a lot easier when I started staying home, so if he comes home sometimes and things aren’t in order I’m not going to feel bad about it, and neither should you 😉
Do you get any help from grandparents? Cleaning lady? How do you get “stuff” done with kids around? (I ask as a working mom who has a cleaning lady and uses working from home to get things done. Sometimes I wonder if I’d like staying home)
Oh man, such a great question!! When Corey and I were both working, I had visions of how much better it would be if I stayed home because then we could stay on top of laundry, grocery shopping, buying birthday gifts for the 57 kids birthdays we attend a month, mopping the floors, doctors appointment, etc etc. As it was, with both of us at work so much of the day and then doing the dinner/bath/bed hustle in the evening, there really wasn’t much time left for anything at the end of the day. We were hardly ever in the house so we were perpetually behind on chores and too exhausted to run errands or do anything meaningful once the kids were down. Now that I’m home we’re definitely less behind on most of these things, but I’d be lying if I said it was as good as I thought it was going to be.
Watching both kids is a full time job. As I see it in any given day I can: Play with the kids giving them my undivided attention, get them out of the house to socialize and/or learn something, do laundry, vacuum, mop, prep/make dinner, work on my side hustles (blog/photography/etc), the list goes onnnn and onnn and guess what? There is not enough time in every day for everything. Period. If Corey comes home to a spotless house and dinner on the stove he knows the kids probably watched more TV than usual. If he comes home and the house is a mess and I’m barely getting started on dinner he knows I was probably out with the kids most of the day at the zoo or the children’s museum or the park. Or I actually worked on my blog or edited photos for a session I have due back to a client.
In terms of help from grandparents/babysitting help: My mom tries to come over once a week for at least a few hours to help me out, but during this time I’m usually taking Elodie to dance class or taking one of the kids to an appointment. It’s a rare occasion that I leave her with both kids. My MIL is also local and has two days a week off, so if I have another engagement I definitely lean on her for help sometimes too! And even with that help I still fall behind on a lot 🙂
Are you worried if you ever go back to work you’ll still feel responsible for all your SAHM responsibilities?
Hmmm I guess I’ve never thought about it, which probably means no? Corey and I have always just had a really great “team” mentality between us. We try really hard not to keep score and realize that we’re both working hard for the same goal – our family and our beautiful life. Yeah, I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true! I know that if and when this current situation changes we’ll learn to readjust and figure out our new normal and the new balance of responsibilities.
Does Corey travel for work and how do you manage several days alone with the kids if so?
Right now, no, Corey hardly travels for work. In fact, he hasn’t been on one work trip since I started staying home. I’ve been really lucky. We have talked about this a lot though, because I know this won’t be the situation forever, and we know that we’ll probably have to lean on family and maybe even hired help if/when he travels in the future. Obviously the hope is if he were in a job that required a ton of travel that he would be getting paid enough that we could afford to pay for help. If not, that job just wouldn’t be worth it to us (in my opinion). Being brutally honest, if I had a husband that had to travel for work a lot I would not be a SAHM. I just know myself and I couldn’t do it, I would not be happy and I would be way too bitter and exhausted.
How has the dynamic in your marriage shifted (if at all) or how do you work together differently now?
This is something that was at the top of my list of worries or reasons I might not want to make the leap to SAHM. I am so prideful of my career and just being a strong woman in general, and if I’m being brutally honest I think before staying home I did subconsciously think SAHMs just kind of bowed down to their husbands … And I wondered what our dynamic would be like if/when I did leave my job. While it has definitely taken some adjustment, I see now my worries were all for not. Corey respects me, still comes homes and talks work with me because he values my insight and my career experience. He truly doesn’t treat me any differently and I can tell he doesn’t think of me differently, either. I think maybe this has a lot to do with the fact that he has seen both sides – me as a working mom and me as a stay-at-home mom and I think he respects and values both of those people in different ways for different reasons. It also is easier for him to be a heck of a lot more grateful for everything I do as a SAHM because he knows darn well what his life looked like when we were both working. My suspicion is maybe if you go straight into staying home there’s the possibility your husband could completely miss how much you are actually holding the household and the family together by staying home — and truly understanding what a big sacrifice it is for the family that you are home. We just don’t have those issues because Corey knows how valuable my job at home is!
As far as how we work together differently… It feels like the needs for each of us is just more clear now. When we were both working all the responsibilities meshed toghether — when we got home from work the same things needed to be done: dinner cooked, kids bathed, kids put to bed, house cleaned/tidied, but we both had been missing the kids all day so we both wanted the task that involved more time with them and we were both equally exhausted after work to clean, etc.
Fast forward to now … It’s just really obvious when Corey walks in the door I need a break from the kids (just being honest!) and he is so happy to take them off my hands and play with them while I finish cooking dinner. We don’t bathe the kids every night, but the nights that we do I am almost always sticking behind downstairs to clean up after dinner while Corey is giving the kids baths (tonight he actually gave James a bath and I helped Elodie with a shower) and then he always puts James down (since I did it for 13 months while nursing and he truly wants to!) and it is totally all over the place who puts Elodie down (she usually likes to choose). So the way we work together hasn’t necessarily changed. The weekends are pretty much exactly the same as they always were — we split everything from parenting responsibilities to household chores 50/50 (or as close to that as we can).
One thing about Corey that really makes a big impact on me is he never ever expects to walk in the door to a clean house and dinner on the stove and happy kids. He is truly in awe of me being home with the kids all day and staying sane (and more than that, feeling happy). The fact that I can feel that genuine respect and admiration from him goes a REALLY REALLY long way. I’d be lying if I said I still didn’t have times I felt inadequate next to my working mom friends or when we run into a colleague of Corey’s and his wife and they ask me what I do and I “just stay home” and the colleague’s wife is some powerhouse career woman. But there are two sides to every coin and I’ve seen the working mom side and I know it’s advantages and disadvantages. I’m just feeling grateful we were able to make this work so I could give being home a try.
How do you make time for yourself to work out or meet with friends, etc?
Wellllll I haven’t exactly made working out a priority the last few years, but lately I’ve been doing research for places that have child care so I can get a work out in while I’m home with the kids. That would probably be the only way I could fit it in right now because I am not a morning person so that kills the plan for a morning workout and I am wayyyyy too tired once the kids are in bed and we are doing dinner right when Corey gets home from work, so yeah.
As far as going out with friends, I am a bit of a social butterfly, so I just make plans with my girlfriends for after James goes down since he’s going to bed at 6:30 and Corey covers getting Elodie down for bed so I can go out! I probably do this 2-4 times a month and Corey is really great and encourages me to do it – he knows it makes me a happier wife and mom and it’s no skin off his back since he wants the extra quality time with the kids anyway!
I’d be interested to hear about how you’ve adjusted socially! I’m so overly dependent on work friendships that I’m anxious I’m going to struggle if/when I leave.
I have to admit I worried about this too because the vast majority of my friends are working moms, and more importantly, friends I made while working at Nike for eight years! Would things be different? Would they lose respect for me? Would they just forget I existed? I see now all those fears were for not. I still get invited to baby showers and happy hours and I still keep in touch and see my old coworkers, with and without our kids. If they are truly your friends, you will stay friends!